YOUNGER 

AMERICAN 
HUMORISTS 


FOR  THE  GAIETY  OF  NATIONS 


^^ 


>- 


% 


807.73 


AUTHOR 


Rice,  Wallace 


689_5_ 


/ 


Younger  American 
Irumorlsts      ~" 


807.75   Rice,  Wallace 
R5b9^     Younger  American 
y     humorists 

6895  ^ 


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For   the    Gai  ety 

of    Nations 

THE  YOUNGER  AMERICAN   HUMORISTS 


V/ALT  D:CNEY  S;-.j;0 


For   the   Gaiety    of  Nations 


FUN  and  PHILOSOPHY  FROM  THE 

YOUNGER 
AMERICAN 
HUMORISTS 

COMPILED  BY 

WALLA  C  E      RICE 


If  ^ve'd  be  lar-rnin'  our  young  to  laugh  in- 
stid  o'  cryin',  there'd  be  more  in  this 
gayety  of  nations,  Mr.  Casey. 

—Martin  Dooley,  Philosopher 


NEW     YORK:     DODGE     PUBLISHING 
COMPANY:      220    EAST      33d     STREET 


Copyright,  1909,  by 
Dodge  Publishing  Company 


THE  hearty  thanks  of  the  compiler  are  due 
to  Messrs.  DufEeld  &  Co.  for  permission 
to  use  extracts  from  the  copjnrighted 
works  of  Messrs.  George  Ade  and  Henry  Martyn 
Blossom,  Jr.;  Houghton,  Mifflin  &  Co.,  the  au- 
thorized publishers  of  the  works  of  Francis  Bret 
Harte;  Doubleday,  Page  &  Co.,  publishers  for 
Mr.  Simeon  Ford;  The  G.  W.  Dillingham  Com- 
pany, publishers  for  George  Vere  Hobart;  The 
Red  Raven  Corporation  and  Mr.  George  Kountz, 
owners  of  the  "Billy  Baxter  Letters";  George  W. 
Jacobs  &  Co.,  publishers  of  the  works  of  Charles 
Godfrey  Leland;  Small,  Maynard  &  Co.  and  Mr. 
George  Horace  Lorimer  for  consent  to  use  ex- 
tracts from  Mr.  Lorimer's  books;  The  W.  B. 
Conkey  Co.,  publishers  for  Edgar  Wilson  Nye; 
The  Bobbs-Merrill  Company,  publishers  for  Mr. 
Henry  Wallace  Phillips;  The  Lothrop,  Lee  & 
Shepard  Company,  publishers  for  Mr.  Harry 
Leon  Wilson;  Mr.  Owen  Wister  and  the  Mac- 
millan  Company  for  extracts  from  "The  Vir- 
ginian"; and  to  his  friends,  the  Rev.  Robert  Jones 
Burdette,  and  Messrs.  John  Kendrick  Bangs, 
Finley  Peter  Dunne,  Isaac  Kahn  Friedman,  Sam- 
uel Ellsworth  Kiser,  Alfred  Henry  Lewis,  Wilbur 
Dick  Nesbit,  Bert  Leston  Taylor,  and  Charles  W. 
Taylor. 


/ 


To 

JOHN   TINNEY   McCUTCHEON 

Whose  Drawings  Show  American  Humor 

at  Its  Best,  Half  Laughter 

and  Half  Love 


For  the  GAIETY  OF  NATIONS 
Fun  and  Philosophy.  From  THE 
ELDER  AMERICAN  HUMOR- 
ISTS, AMERICAN  NEWSPA- 
PER HUMORISTS,  THE 
LATER  AMERICAN  HUMOR- 
ISTS. Three  Volumes,  each  50 
cents.  Dodge  Publishing  Com- 
pany, 220  East  23d  St.,  New  York. 


YE  know  I'm  not  much  throubled  be 
lithrachoor,  havin'  manny  worries  iv 
me  own,  but  I'm  not  prejudiced 
again'  books.  I  am  not.  Whin  a  rale  good 
book  comes  along  I'm  as  quick  as  anny  wan 
to  say  it  isn't  so  bad. 

Mr.  DooUy. 


Ml  rORTHE  GAIETY 


Ade,  George 

Bangs,  John  Kendrick 

Blossom,  Henry  Martyn,  Jr. 


(1866-         ) 
(1862-         ) 
Checkers 
(1866-        ) 
Burdette,  Robert  Jones 

The  Burlington  Hawk-Eye  Man 
(1844-        ) 
Clemens,  Samuel  Langhorne 


Dutme,  Finley  Peter 

Field,  Eugene 
Ford,  Simeon 
Friedman,  Isaac  Kahn 
Griswold,  A.  Miner 


Harte,  Francis  Bret 
Hobart,  George  Vere 


Mark  Twain 
(1835-        ) 
Mr.  Dooley 
(1867-        ) 
(1850-1895) 
(1858-        ) 
(1870-        ) 
The  Fat  Contributor 
The  Texas  Sittings  Man 
(1845-1890) 
(1839-1902) 
(1867-        ) 
John  Henry,   Hugh  McHugh 
Kiser,  Samuel  Ellsworth  (1862-        ) 

Kountz,  William  J.,  Jr.  Billy  Baxter 

(1868- I 899) 
Leland,  Charles  Godfrey  Hans  Breitmann 

(1824-1903) 
Lewis,  Alfred  Henry     Dan  Quin,  Wolfville  Tales 

(1858-        ) 
Lewis,  Charles  Bertrand 

M.  Quad,  The  Detroit  Free  Press  Man 

(1842-        ) 
Lorimer,  George  Horace  (1868-        ) 

Nesbit,  Wilbur  Dick  (1871-        ) 

Nye,  Edgar  Wilson  Bill  Nye 

(1850-1896) 


Phillips,  Henry  Wallace 

(i86g- 

Taylor,  Bert  Leston 

(1866- 

Taylor,  Charles  W. 

(1857- 

Wilson,  Harry  Leon 

(1867- 

Wister,  Owen 

(1860- 

[8] 


OF  NATIONS 


THE   YOUNGER  AMERICAN 
HUMORISTS 

FAME  is  always  playin'  April  fool  thricks 
with  the  great.  It  pins  a  gold  medal  on 
th'  chist  iv  th*  hero,  and  as  he  sthruts  down 
the  sthreet  he  little  knows  that  it  has  hung 
a  sign  on  his  coat  tails  sayin'  "Plaze  kick 
me."  Mr.  Dooley. 


D 


RINK   Deep,   or   Cut  Out  the  Pierian 
Spring  Altogether.  George  Ade. 


w 


HEN  you  can't  dig  fru  a  wall  climb 
ober  it.  C.  B.  Lewis. 


HE  pours  fort'  his  soul  in  torrent-like  und 
loud  teliferies  ofer  anydings  at  all,  ved- 
der  he  oonderstand  dem  or  nod. 

Hans  Breitmann. 


"¥  remember,  I  remember" — 
»     Something  special?    Not  a  bit; 
But  you  see  this  is  September, 
And  "remember"  rhymes  with  it. 

Bert  Leston  Taylor. 

[9] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

MISINTERPRETED  symptoms  of  genius 
cause  many  young  men  to  lose  their 
jobs.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

THE  man  who  sticks  to  the  cowpath  may 
be  able  to  drink  milk,  but  he  never 
wears  diamonds.       John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

THERE  is  as  much  difference  between  the 
American  bath  and  the  English  bath  as 
there  is  between  immersion  and  sprinkling. 

Eugene  Field. 


N 


O  man  that  bears  a  gredge  again'  himsilf 
*11  iver  be  governor  iv  a  state. 

Mr.  Dooley. 


WHEN  the  tyrant  asked  him  what  style 
of  death  he  wanted,  he  said  he  would 
rather  die  of  extreme  old  age.  He  was  will- 
ing to  wait,  he  said.  Bill  Nye. 

MEN  who  habitually  spoke  of  a  yellow 
bird,  a  yellow  hammer,  a  yellow  leaf, 
always  alluded  to  him  as  a  yeller  dog. 

Bret  Harte. 

[10] 


L 


OF  NATIONS 

HE  ain't  got  anything  but  his  good  family 
and  a  thirst. 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

JUST  to  kill  time  I've  been  dabbling  in 
literature — ^Time  died  a  violent  death,  all 
right.  John  Henry. 

THAR'S  no  good  tryin'  to  hold  out  kyards 
on  your  Redeemer.    If  your  heart  ain't 
right  it's  no  use  to  set  into  the  game. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


B 


USINESS  is  like  oil— it  won't  mix  with 
anything  but  business. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 


E 


DUCATION    will    broaden    a    narrow 
mind,  but  there's  no  known  cure  for  a 
big  head.  George  Horace  Lorimer. 


H 


E  works  like  the  devil  after  a  Christian. 

Checkers. 


THERE'S  no  use  expectin'  a  woman  to 
see  a  joke  unless  it's  marked  down  from 
something.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

[II] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 

WHEN  a  man  ain't  got  no  ideas  of  his 
own,  he'd  ought  to  be  kind  o'  careful 
who  he  borrows  'em  from. 

Owen  Wister. 

**¥JE  always  looks  so  poverty  stricken. 
«IA    I  thought  he  had  married  a  fortune." 
"He  did,  but  he  has  discovered  that  the  for- 
tune didn't  marry  him."        C.  W.  Taylor. 

THERE  may  be  some  things  I  wouldn't 
admit   for   a   thousand   dollars,   but    I 
don't  just  recall  them  at  the  present  time. 

Billy  Baxter. 

SWELLED  heads  ain't  got  no  room  fer 
words  ef  savin'  grace. 

/.  K.  Friedman. 

LET  us  so  live  that  when  at  last  we  pass 
away,  our  friends  will  not  be  immedi- 
ately and  uproariously  reconciled  to  our 
death.  Bill  Nye. 

THERE  is  in  this  weary  old  world,  as 
much  as  a  peck  or  a  peck  and  a  half, 
possibly,  of  thorns  without  their  attendant 
roses.  Robert  J.  Burdette. 

[la] 


L 


OF  NATIONS 

HE  looked  so  aggravating  clean  it  seemed 
kind  of  wrong  for  him  to  be  outdoors; 
all  the  prairie  and  the  cabin  and  everything 
looked  mussed  up  beside  him. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

ONCE  in  a  while  we  may  frow  a  boot- jack 
at  a  cat  an'  hit  nufHn'  but  an  ash-barrel, 
but  de  worl'  in  gineral  am  plenty  good  nufF 
fur  de  kind  o'  people  who  puts  in  der  time 
heah.  C.  B.  Lewis. 


A  MAN  goes  out  an'  succeeds  in  keeping 
a  fish  fr'm  escapin'  fr'm  a  disappointin' 
meal,  an'  ye'd  think  fr'm  what  he  says  about 
it  that  th'  two-pound  bass  found  him 
sleepin'  in  a  boat,  called  him  names,  thried 
to  steal  his  watch,  and  was  only  over- 
powered afther  a  terrific  sthruggle. 

Mr.  Dooley. 


I 


do  not  think 

Our  men  of  ink — 

Our  famous  literary  fellers^ 
Are  seeking  to 
Build  toward  the  blue, 
But  spend  their  time  in  digging  "sellers.* 
John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

[13] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


THERE'S  a  whole  lot  of  difference  be- 
tween a  great  man  of  wealth  and  a  man 
of  great  wealth.  Them  last  is  gettin'  ter- 
rible common.  Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

NEVER  catch  a  dog  by  the  tail  if  he  has 
hydrophobia.  Although  that  end  of  the 
dog  is  considered  the  most  safe,  you  never 
know  when  a  mad  dog  may  reverse  himself. 

Bill  Nye. 


PEOPLE  remember  a  lie  ten  years  where 
they  forget  the  truth  in  ten  minutes. 
Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

IF  you  had  thrown  a  Pebble  into  this 
Clump  of  Whiskers  probably  you  would 
have  scared  up  a  Field  Mouse  and  a  couple 
of  Meadow  Larks.  George  Ade. 

NOBODY  looks  at  him  respectfully,  as  if 
they  would  like  to  kill  him  but  don't 
dare  to.  Mr.  Dooley. 


HIS  heroines  eat  cold  huckleberry  pie  and 
are  so  unfeminine  as  not  to  call  a  cow 
"he."  Eugene  Field. 

[14] 


OF  NATIONS 

WHENEVER  any  one  offers  to  let  you  in 
on  the  ground  floor  it's  a  pretty  safe 
^  rule  to  take  the  elevator  to  the  roof  garden. 
.J)  George  Horace  Lorimer. 


DON'T  be  too  tough  on  society;  for  you 
never  can  tell  when  you'll  be  in  society 
yourself.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

"¥T  is  true,"  said  Uncle  Allen  Sparks, 
•  "that  you  can't  get  blood  out  of  a  tur- 
nip, but  neither  can  you  get  turnip  juice  out 
of  a  human  being.  Let's  be  fair  to  the 
turnip."  C.  W.  Taylor. 


I 


N  the  midst  of  life  we're  in  luck. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


AMID    cheers,    rice,    shoes,    and    broad 
felicitations,  the  pair  drove  away. 

Owen  Wister. 


WHIN  me  frind  Schwartzmeister  makes 
a  cocktail  all  it  needs  is  a  few  noodles 
to  look  like  a  biled  dinner.      Mr.  Dooley. 


w 


HEN   in   Doubt,   try   it  on  the   Box- 
Office.  George  Ade. 

[15] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


BUTTERMILK  will  cure  freckles.    Catch 
the  freckle  just  before  going  to  bed  and 
wrap  the  buttermilk  around  it. 

John  Henry. 

DE  only  diffrunce  twixt  men  is  what  dey 
does  atween  de  time  dey  is  born  an'  die. 
We  is  all  born  equal  an'  we  dies  equal,  but 
we  don't  live  equal.  /.  K.  Friedman. 

SOME  of  us  are  so  busy  telling  what  our 
ancestors  did  that  our  descendants  will 
have  to  talk  about  the  weather  if  they  talk 
about  anything.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


v/ 


I 


HEV  obsarved  dat  good  cloze  an*  impu- 
dence will  pass  fur  riches  and  educashun. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


A    DENTIST  is  a  man  that  puts  a  dent  in 


your  pocket-book. 


Bert  Leston  Taylor. 


I  AM  told  that  many  a  meritorious  pro- 
duction has  gone  unpublished  for  years 
because  the  labor  of  deciphering  the  author's 
handwriting  proved  too  much  for  the  read- 
er's endurance.  John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

[16] 


OF  NATIONS 


IF  a  man  only  could  live  up  to  the  verses 
he  cuts  out  of  magazines! 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 


LIKE  a  good  many  people  that  I  know  th* 
Muse  iv  Histhry  has  a  long  mim'ry  but 
'tis  inaccurate.  Mr.  Dooley. 

WHILE  it  is  a  good  thing  for  a  man  to 
put  his  foot  down,  and  we  often  hear 
him  commended  for  so  doing,  it  is  certain 
that  the  man  who  never  does  anything  else 
will  never  get  anywhere. 

Robert  J.  Burdette. 


H 


IS  chin's  pushed  too  far  back  under  his 
face.  Harry  Leon  Wilson. 


THAT  scared  sort  of  a  feelin'  that  comes 
to  a  person  when  they  realize  that  Fate 
has  her  finger  on  the  button. 

5".  E.  Riser. 


I'spect  de  music  o'  de  angelic  harps  am 
sweet  an'  soft  an'  dreamy,  but  if  dey 
want  to  keep  us  cull'd  folks  satisfied  up  dar 
a  little  mo'  banjo  and  a  little  less  harp  am' 
de  fust  prescription.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

[17] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 

START  awful  early  when  you  go  to  fool 
with  him,  or  he  will  make  you  feel  un- 
punctual.  Owen  Wister. 

NEVER  send  a  present  hoping  for  one  in 
return.    Nine  times  out  of  ten  you  will 
slip  up  on  your  expectations.    Freeze  to  the 
present  you  buy.    You  are  sure  of  that. 
Robert  J.  Burdette. 

SOME  folks  only  practise  so  they  may 
preach  about  it.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

LIFE  ain't  in  holding  a  good  hand,  but  in 
playing  a  pore  hand  well. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


HE  was  an  all-wool  villain  of  the  closest 
weave,  built  to  hold  sin  like  a  Navajo 
blanket  does  water. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

THE  ancient  Greeks,  no  doubt,  regarded 
taxidermy  as  the  original  skin-game  of 
that  period.  Bill  Nye. 


>UT  faith  in  human  natur'  an*  yet  be  eber 
ready  to  doubt.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

[i8] 


OF  NATIONS 

"  A  H,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "it  wud  be  all 
*A  r-right  if  women  *d  do  their  own 
cookin'."  "Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  'twud 
be  a  return  to  Jacksonyan  simplicity,  an* 
'twud  be  a  gr-reat  thing  f'r  th'  resthrant 
business."  Finley  Peter  Dunne. 


CHARITABLE  Housewife:  Poor  man! 
Life  can't  be  worth  much  to  one  like 
you.  Tuffold  Knutt:  You're  right,  ma'am. 
It  ain't.  But  it  don't  cost  much  to  live,  and 
dat's  sumthin'.  C.  W.  Taylor. 


HE  was  the  curiosest  man  about  always 
betting  on  anything  that  turned  up,  if 
he  could  get  any  one  to  bet  on  the  other 
side,  and  if  he  couldn't  he'd  change  sides. 

Mark  Twain. 

HUMAN  natcher  in  de  countree  is  de  same 
ez  human  natcher  in  de  city ;  a  hundred 
cents  makin'  one  dollar  everywheres. 

/.  K.  Friedman. 


MEN  make  fun  of  women  for  counting  by 
pennies,  but  the  trouble  is  they  give  the 
women  so  little  money  they  have  to  count 
that  way.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

[19] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


OKER    players    are    divided    into    two 
classes:   the   Companions  of   the    Cold     Xlj  j 
Feet,  and  the  Little  Brothers  of  the  Boost.      U^ 

John  Henry. 


P 


EVERY  fool  has  four  dimes  as  much  mis- 
chief in  him,  und  ten  dimes  more  re- 
fenge  dan  a  vise  man,  und  derfore  he  is 
fourdeen  dimes  more  likely  to  pay  you  oop 
und  hafe  it  out  on  you. 

Hans  Breitmann. 

"  QMOKING  is  the  pastime  of  perdition," 
O  insisted  Mr.  Whitechoker.  "No,  it 
isn't,"  retorted  the  Idiot.  "Smoking  is  the 
business  of  perdition.  It  smokes  because  it 
has  to."  John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

WE  can't  help  pitying  the  man  who  is  so 
awkward  with  his  mouth  that  he  is 
constantly  putting  his  foot  into  it. 

Eugene  Field. 

IF  thar  ain't  no  reeconciliations  on  earth, 
and  everybody  stands  pat  on  them  ha- 
treds an'  enmities  of  his,  whisky-drinkin' 
falls  off  half.  Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

[20] 


OF  NATIONS 


TRULY  it  was  a  Happy  Little  Home, 
with  the  reverse  English. 

George  Ade. 

TO  most  people  a  savage  nation  is  wan 
that  doesn't  wear  uncomf 'rtable  clothes. 

Mr.  Dooley. 

THE  cyclone  is  a  natural  phenomenon,  en- 
joying the  most  robust  health. 

Bill  Nye. 

HE'S  actin'  jest  like  the  world's  his  oyster 
— and  every  month  had  an  "r"  in  it  at 
that.  Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

THE  lady  on  the  dollar  is  the  only  woman 
who    hasn't     any     sentiment     in    her 
make-up.  George  Horace  Lorimer. 

"/^H,  slip  on  something  and  come  down 
U   quick!" 

His  wife  exclaimed  with  a  frightened  air. 
He  did:  and  he  feels  he  has  been  played  a 
trick — 
For  he  slipped  on  a  rug  at  the  top  of  the 
stair.  Bert  Leston  Taylor. 

[21] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


HAR  ain't  no  sense  in  gittin'  riled. 

Bret  Harte. 


WHY  do  women  always  cry  at  wed- 
dings?" asked  one  of  the  spectators. 
"It's  to  make  the  bridegroom  feel  that  any 
woman  would  be  throwing  herself  away  by 
marrying  him,"  replied  the  confirmed  old 
bachelor;  "the  object  is  to  take  some  of  the 
starch  out  of  him."  C.  W.  Taylor. 


FORGIVE  your  neighbor,  if  you  happen 
to  need  him — afterward  you  can  shake 
him  again.  Checkers. 

NOTHING'S  queer  except  marriage  and 
lightning.    Them  two  occurrences  can 
still  give  me  a  sensation  of  surprise. 

Owen  Wister. 

TURNIN'  a  woman's  head  *s  as  easy  as 
missin'  a  train  if  you  know  how. 

S.  E.  Kiser. 


H 


E  could  Articulate  at  all  Times,  whether 
he  had  anything  to  Say  or  not. 

George  Ade. 

[83] 


OF  NATIONS 

F'R  mesilf  I  am  more  happy  settin'  down 
to  an  innocent  meal  with  nawthin'  but 
water  than  I  wud  be  at  a  table  with  lashings 
iv  dhrink — not  that  night,  but  th'  day  afther. 

Mr.  Dooley. 


H 


E  vatch  a  ten  or  dwelf  liddle  girls,  von 
of  vitch  vas  a  shmall  poy. 

Hans  Breitmann. 


IF  he  took  a  dhrop  or  two  at  all  ye  can  bet 
that  sometimes  he  took  a  dhrop  or  two 
too  much.  Mr.  Dooley. 

THE  man  whose  pantaloons  bag  most  at 
the  knees  isn't  necessarily  the  man  who 
prays  most  Robert  J.  Burdette. 

IF  he  even  see  a  straddle-bug  start  to  go 
anywhere,  he  would  bet  how  long  it 
would  take  him  to  get  to — ^to  wherever  he 
was  going.  Mark  Twain. 

ACCEPT  no  man  fur  his  fine  talk — reject 
no  man  fur  his  old  clothes;  stan'  him 
out  in  de  sunlight  an'  average  him. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


[23] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


THE  safe  side  of  a  stock  deal  is  the  out- 
side. Robert  J.  Burdette. 


VERY  dream  has  its  alarm  clock. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


£ 


HOWEVER  attractive  immortality  was, 
he  preferred  mortality  in  the  flesh  to 
the  other  in  abstract. 

John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

UNDOUBTEDLY  when  he  spoke  of 
newspaper  reporters  as  "dogs"  he  in- 
tended to  imply  that  they  were  brave,  hon- 
est, faithful,  sagacious,  valiant,  and  perti- 
nacious. Eugene  Field. 

YOUTH  is  gay  and  hopeful;  age  is  cov- 
ered with  experience  and  scars  where 
the  skin  has  been  knocked  off  and  had  to 
grow  on  again.  Bill  Nye. 

YOU-ALL  has  no  idee  of  the  radius  of 
that  mule — what  you  might  call  his 
sweep.  You  never  will  till  he's  kicked  once 
or  twice ;  an'  the  information  ain't  worth  no 
sech  price.  Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

[24] 


OF  NATIONS 


fTiM\     *  ¥  IVE  and  let  live"  is  my  motto — and  if 
i\  ]L»      l'  microbes  and  I  both  like  Scotch-and- 
J)  soda,  why,  what  harm? 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

THERE'S  a  moral  as  big  as  a  house  in  the 
story  of  the  woman  who  was  shot  by  a 
hunter  who  mistook  her  hat  for  a  bird. 

Bert  Lesion  Taylor. 

I  DON'T  want  to  be  a  victim  iv  anny  kind 
iv  dhrink,  but  th'  wan  kind  I'm  par- 
tic'l'ry  afraid  iv,  is  th'  kind  that  is  sold  in 
prohybition  states.  Mr.  Dooley. 

THE  automobile  is  the  rich  man's  wine 
and  the  poor  man's  chaser. 

Hugh  McHugh. 

"'P  HERE  are  jest  two  things  I  like  about 
*     a   vacation,"   remarked   Uncle   Jerry 
Peebles,   "the  goin'  away  and  the  gettin' 
back."  C.  W.  Taylor. 


I 


F    God   had    never   made    women   there 
wouldn't  be  any  fools  in  the  world. 

5".  E.  Kiser. 


[35] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 
I 


F  it  is  love  that  makes  the  world  go  round, 
certainly  vanity  first  put  it  into  motion. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips.      (l 


IF  15,000  people  know  something  about  a 
woman,  my  number  is   14,999,  and  the 
husband's  number  is  15,000. 

Billy  Baxter. 


w 


HEN  you  can't  have  what  you  choose, 
just  choose  what  you  have. 

Owen  Wister. 


"WHERE    you    goin',    Jasper?"      "I'm 
Tf   goin'  to  town  to  get  drunk ;  an'  gosh ! 
how  I  dread  it!"         The  Fat  Contributor. 


SEVERAL     persons     openly     criticised 
Nero's  policy  and  then  died. 

Bill  Nye. 

'1*  IS  betther  to  give  thin  to  rayceive,  says 
A     th'  good  book.    Mind  ye,  it  says  bet- 
ther, not  more  nachral.  Mr.  Dooley. 

THE  family  used  to  have  to  treat  him  with 
cocaine  before  he  could  stand  it  to  give 
up  a  nickel.  Checkers. 

[a6] 


OF  NATIONS 

ANY  full-sized  man  ought  to  own  a  big  lot 
of  temper,  and  like  all  his  valuable  pos- 
sessions, he'd  ought  to  keep  it  and  not  lose 
any.  Owen  Wister. 

IF  a  man  am  luny,  put  him  among  de  luna- 
tics. De  fact  dat  he  am  not  put  dar  am 
reason  fur  holding  him  legally  'sponsible  fur 
ebery  act.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

A  SCHOOL  teacher  has  been  punishing 
her  pupils  by  making  them  chew  soap. 
A  new  way  of  lathering  them. 

Bert  Leston  Taylor. 

ALWAYS  said  he  lost  his  temper,  when 
most  certainly  he  had  it  and  was  us- 
ing it.  Robert  J.  Burdette. 

I  SHALL  miss  him,  but  there  are  those 
who  wax  fat  on  grief,  and,  if  I  know 
myself,  I  am  of  that  brand. 

John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


D 


ON'T  think  because  the  bumble-bee  has 
a  velvety  back  that  he's  a  soft  thing. 

.S*.  E.  Kiser. 

[27] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


A  FINISHING  School  is  a  Place  at  which 
Young  Ladies  are  taught  how  to  give 
the  Quick  Finish  to  all  Persons  who  won't 
do.  George  Ade. 

A  REGULAR  mint  julep  of  a  month,  with 
a  dash  of  summer,  a  spring  of  spring, 
a  touch  of  fall,  and  a  sniff  of  winter  to  liven 
you  up.  Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

AUTOMOBILES  is  like  men.  If  they're 
fast  they're  soon  all  in,  and  if  they  ain't, 
nobody  but  good  old  ladies  seem  to  take 
much  interest  in  them.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

MISFORTUNE  happens  to  you  for  your 
own  good,  and  there  are  lots  of  people 
who  will  tell  you  so.       Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

LUCK  is  confined  strictly  to  the  paleface; 
aborigines  not  knowing  sufficient  to  be- 
come the  target  of  vicissitoods,  excellent  or 
otherwise.  Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


w 


E   knead   thee   every   hour,"   is   the 
motto  of  the  massage  cure. 

Eugene  Field. 

[28] 


J) 


OF  NATIONS 

APPEARANCES  are  deceitful,  I  know, 
but  so  long  as  they  are,  there's  nothing 
like  having  them  deceive  for  us  instead  of 
against  us.  George  Horace  Lorimer. 


I  MADE  up  meh  mind  den  an'  dere  dat  I'd 
quit  stealin',  riform,  leave  dese  git-rich- 
quick  schemes  alone,  an'  earn  a  honest 
livin'  by  beggin'.  /.  K.  Friedman. 

"I  CAN'T  say,"  observed  Uncle  Allen 
A  Sparks,  "that  I  approve  entirely  of 
the  tobacco  habit;  but  did  you  ever  think 
what  a  difference  it  might  have  made  in  the 
history  of  the  world  if  Adam  had  had  a  chew 
of  tobacco  in  his  mouth  when  Eve  tempted 
him  with  the  apple  ?"  C  W.  Taylor. 

THE  man  who  cannot  tell  a  lie  is  not  half 
so  rare  as  he  who  does  not  always  in- 
sist on  blurting  out  the  truth. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

TH'  cup  that  cheers  and  inebyrates  ye  to- 
night an'  biteth  like  an  asp  and  stingeth 
like  an  adder  to-morrah  momin'. 

Mr.  Dooley. 

[29] 


I 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

HAVE  so  many  troubles  of  my  own  get- 
ting home  from  any  place  at  all,  that  I 
haven't  time  to  keep  tabs  on  other  people. 

Billy  Baxter.         \X 


•*  IJ  OW  versatile  your  son  is,"  said  Mrs. 
H  Oldcastle.  "Oh!  no  he  ain't  at  all," 
replied  her  hostess  in  sudden  alarm,  "he  ain't 
never  wrote  a  verse  in  his  life.  Both  me  and 
his  pa  expect  him  to  be  a  business  man." 

S.  E.  Kiser. 

NOW,  how  could  I  forget  you  was  fifty, 
when  you  have  been  telling  it  to  the 
boys  so  careful  for  the  last  ten  years ! 

Owen  Wister. 

HE  was  so  slow  in  offering  refreshments, 
and  the  evening  before  had  been  so 
heated,  that  I  felt  impelled  to  ring  the  bell, 
saying:    "Permit  me,  sir,  to  extend  to  you 
the  hospitality  of  your  own  apartments." 
The  Fat  Contributor. 

WHEN  I  sees  a  man  who  claims  to  be  too 
good  to  watch  a  circus  purceshun  pass 
'long  de  street,  I  nebber  work  fur  him  wid- 
out  de  cash  in  advance.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

[30] 


OF  NATIONS 


"IITELL,"  said   Mr.    Hennessy,   "riches 
▼f  take    wings."      "Riches,"    said    Mr. 
Dooley,  "niver  took  wings  fr'm  annybody 
that  was  entitled  to  wear  wings." 

Finley  Peter  Dunne. 

A  LADY  writes  to  recommend  felt  shoes 
for  hens  that  scratch  up  the  garden,  as 
all  barefoot  hens  do.  This  is  certainly  a  new 
way  to  "shoo"  a  hen. 

Bert  Leston  Taylor. 


MY  mother,  gettin'  plumb  desp'rate  over 
my  hoomility,  offers  me  a  runnin'  hoss 
if  I'd  go  co't  a  girl;  on  which  o'casion  I 
feebly  urges  that  I'd  rather  walk. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

THOU  art  so  frail  a  thing,  thou  New 
Year's  token 
Yclept  "ye  resolution  good,"  I  feel 
Ye  book  wherein  I  note  thee  when  unbroken 
Should  bear  ye  title  on  ye  back — "Fragile." 
John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


SHAKESPEARE  says.  Be  thrue  to  ye'cr- 
silf  an'  ye  will  not  thin  be  false  t'  ivry 
man.  Mr.  Dooley. 

[31] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


WHEN  you  are  in  the  right  you  can  afford 
to  keep  your  temper,  and  when  you  are 
in  the  wrong  you  can't  afford  to  lose  it.  (l  ^ 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 

PREDICT  that  a  boy  has  a  brilliant  future 
and  his  eyes  will  get  so  weak  from  ad- 
miring it  that  he  cannot  see  his  way  to  it. 

Wilbur  D.  Neshit. 

WHO  does  not  love  spring,  the  most  joy- 
ful season  of  the  year?  It  is  then  that 
the  spring  bonnet  of  the  workaday  world 
crosses  the  earth's  orbit  and  makes  the  bank 
account  of  the  husband  and  father  look 
fatigued.  Bill  Nye. 

THERE'S  no  place  where  good  manners 
shows  to  better  advantage  than  on  a 
homely  man ;  the  constant  surprise  between 
the  way  he  looks  and  the  way  he  acts  keeps 
you  interested.       Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

YOU  might  as  well  try  to  stop  thunder 
by  hollerin'  "Shoo!"  at  it  as  to  try  to 
keep  a  woman  from  talkin'  by  lettin'  her  see 
you  don't  want  to  hear  what  she's  goin'  to 
say,  5.  E.  Kiser. 

[32] 


OF  NATIONS 


MORALLY  considered  they  were  alike 
neither  of  them  had  any  morals. 

/.  K.  Friedman. 


"  IJNCLE  JERRY,"  asked  his  down-town 
\J  relative,  "how  do  you  like  your  vermi- 
celli soup?"  "The  soup  is  good  enough,"  re- 
plied Uncle  Jerry,  "but  it's  a  lot  of  bother  to 
have  to  take  out  all  these  strings." 

C.  W.  Taylor. 

ADAM  invented  all  the  different  ways  in 
which  a  young  man  can  make  a  fool  of 
himself,  and  the  college  yell  at  the  end  of 
them  is  just  a  frill  that  doesn't  change  es- 
sentials. George  Horace  Lorimer. 


H 


E  had  attained  that  high  perfection  when 
a  man  believes  his  own  lies. 

Owen  Wister. 


SEEMS  to  me  instead  of  having  a  law 
limiting  a  man's  wealth  it  would  be  bet- 
ter to  have  one  limiting  his  poverty. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


I^HE  eye  of  a  man  is  the  prince  of  deadly 


weapons. 


Owen  Wister. 


[33] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


IT  is  never  too  late  to  mend,  because  the 
older  a  man  grows  the  more  repairs  he 
needs.  Robert  J.  Burdette. 

I  ASKED  the  old  man  what  he  was  going 
to  drink,  and  he  said  he  would  rather 
have  the  money.  Billy  Baxter. 

THERE'S  only  one  thing  you  can  be  sure 
about  women.  Some  of  'em  wear  finer 
clo's  than  others,  and  more  jewelry;  some 
of  them  have  to  scrub,  while  others  have 
plate  glass  in  the  windows,  but  they  all  like 
pickles.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

THINGS  are  not  always  what  they  seem. 
Many  a  girl  wears  a  sailor  hat  who 
doesn't  own  a  yacht.  Billy  Baxter. 

IN  order  to  preserve  an  unspotted  reputa- 
tion you  have  got  to  look  out  that  nobody 
spots  you.  Simeon  Ford. 

TO  look  at  him,  you'd  think  he  wa'n't 
worth  a  cent,  but  to  set  around  and  look 
ornery,  and  lay  for  a  chance  to  steal  some- 
thing. Mark  Twain. 

[34] 


OF  NATIONS 

TIS  a  good  thing  to  keep  out  iv  what  th' 
actors  call  th'  spotlight,  annyhow.    It 


shows  all  the  spots. 


Mr.  Dooley. 


THE  first  thing  any  child  does  is  to  open 
his  mouth  wide  as  he  can,  and  cry  for 
half  an  hour  louder  than  a  full-grown  man 
can  shout.  He  has  no  use  whatever  for  a 
nose  except  to  snufHe  with. 

Robert  J.  Burdette. 

IF  you  are  a  bright  and  shining  light  in  so- 
ciety, you  are  probably  a  brunette  fizzle 
as  a  husband.  Bill  Nye. 

IHEV   obsarved   dat    charity   kin   make 
paupers  almost  as  fast  as  a  conflagra- 
shun.  C.  B.  Lewis. 


D 


AY  held  a  silent  tialogue  of  trinks. 

Hans  Breitmann. 


I'M  nacherally  slow  to  go  decidin'  bets 
ag'in  a  lady's  looks,  but  I  softens  the 
statement  a  heap  when  I  says  she  is  uglier 
than  a  Mexican  sheep. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

[35] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


PEOPLE  will  listen  a  great  deal  more  pa- 
tiently while  you  explain  your  mistakes 
than  when  you  explain  your  successes. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


IN  the  chase  for  the  gilded  shekel  the  edu- 
cation of  experience  is  better  than  the 
coddling  of  Alma  Mater. 

John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

WE  walk  up  and  talk  up, 
We  stalk  up  and  chalk  up, 
And  everywhere  "up"  's  to  be  heard ; 
We  wet  up  and  set  up, 
But  hanged  if  we  let  up 
On  "up,"  the  much  overworked  word. 

Eugene  Field. 

A  MAN  is  as  good  as  he  makes  himself, 
but  no  man's  any  good  because  his 
grandfather  was. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 

TH'  divvle  take  th'  Muse  iv  Histhry,  says 
I,  a  gadding,  back-biting  old  dhress- 
maker,  with  a  knock  f'r  ivrybody.  She's 
spoiled  all  me  heroes  f'r  me.    Mr.  Dooley. 

[36] 


s 


OF  NATIONS 

OME  achieve  automobiles,  and  some  have 
automobiles  thrust  upon  them. 

Simeon  Ford. 

F  there's  anything  that  gums  the  cards 
'   of  life  it  is  a  kicker. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

GERMAN  dentist  has  invented  paper 
i    teeth.    'Tischew  paper,  probably. 

Robert  J.  Burdette. 


TH'  further  ye  get  away  fr'm  anny 
peeryod  th'  better  ye  can  write  about 
it.  Ye  are  not  subject  to  interruptions  be 
people  that  were  there.  Mr.  Dooley. 

IF  a  boy  ten  years  old  should  be  whipped 
for  breaking  a  window,  what  should  be 
done  to  a  man  thirty-five  for  breaking  the 
third  commandment? 

Robert  J.  Burdette. 

I'M  sorry  dat  I  hit  him,  den,  but  de  guy  had 
a  right  ter  holler  an'  tell  meh  dat  he  was 
deaf  an'  dumb  in  de  first  place. 

/.  K.  Friedman. 

[37] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


W 


£  looked  like  Rhode  Island  and  Texas 
marching  out  together.  L\\  ^ 

Billy  Baxter. 


THE  mills  of  the  gods  grind  slowly,  but 
they  pulverize  middling  fine. 

Bill  Nye. 

DOAN    drap   fifty   cents    reachin'   fur   a 
dollar.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

DE  gal  she  prought  von  mass  of  beer  after 
anoder  so  fast  dat  she  lookt  like  a  pro- 
cession goin'  und  comin'. 

Hans  Breitmann. 

IF  your  children  eat  too  much  of  the  var- 
nish off  their  toys,  feed  them  sandpaper, 
that  they  may  acquire  an  interior  polish. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


A  FOOL,  when  plagued  by  fleas  by  night. 
Quoth:  "Since  these  neighbors  so  de- 
spite me, 
I  think  I  will  put  out  the  light 
And  then  they  cannot  see  to  bite  me!" 

Eugene  Field. 

[38] 


(J. 


OF  NATIONS 

MONEY  is  responsible  for  more  extrava 
gance  than  any  other  commodity  in  ex- 
istence. John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


WOMEN,  however,  is  partic'lar,  and  like 
bosses  they  shies  at  things  thar  ain't  no 
danger  in.  Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


T 


IS    harder    to    do    evil    thin    good    be 
stealth.  Mr.  Dooley. 


HE  was  such  a  Thorough  Bohemian  that 
Strangers  usually  mistook  him  for  a 
Tramp.  George  Ade. 

THINK  of  a  husky,  two-fisted  boy  like 
him,  lettin'  himself  be  called  by  a  measly 
little  gum-drop  name  like  Percival,  when 
he's  got  a  right  to  be  called  Pete. 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

ART  is  long — ^why  not  hair? 
Bert  Leston  Taylor. 


I 


F  you  really  had  to  play  poker,  I'm  glad 
you  stayed  up  all  night  to  do  it. 

Hugh  McHugh. 

[39] 


rOR  THE  GAIETY 


INSTRUCTOR   (at  night   school):    Give 
me  an  example  of  an  unfinished  sentence. 
Shock-Headed  Young  Man:  Go  to! 

C.  W.  Taylor.        ^ 

THERE  isn't  any  such  thing  as  being 
your  own  boss  in  this  world  unless 
you're  a  tramp,  and  then  there's  the  con- 
stable. George  Horace  Lorimer. 

I'LL  try  to  make  the  best  of  things,  like 
the  old  crone  who  had  only  two  teeth, 
but  she  said,  "Thank  God,  they  hit !" 

Checkers. 


A  LITTLE  fat,  pompous  man — the  kind 
of  a  man  who  could  have  made  the 
world  in  three  days  and  rested  from  the 
fourth  to  the  seventh. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

TRY  our  lumpless  bran  for  indigestion. 
Bill  Nye. 


H 


ANS  BREITMANN  gife  a  barty— 
Vhere  ish  dot  barty  now? 

Charles  Godfrey  Leland. 

[40] 


OF  NATIONS 


HONOR  yer  f adder  an*  yer  mudder,  but 
doan  lend  de  ole  man  much  money  on- 
less  you  have  good  security. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 

BEFORE  marria2e  a  woman  expects  a 
man,  after  marriage  she  suspects  him, 
and  after  he  dies  she  respects  him. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

FOR  what  shall  it  profit  a  doctor  to  save 
a  patient,  if  practice,  like  virtue,  be  its 
own  reward?  John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

TO  quit  is  one  of  the  symptoms  of  biblio- 
mania. When  once  the  maniac  reaches 
the  point  of  announcing  sporadically  that  he 
is  done  with  his  madness,  we  know  that  he 
has  reached  the  incurable  stage. 

Eugene  Field. 

IF  of  all  words  of  tongue  or  pen 
The  saddest  are  these:  "It  might  have 
been;" 
More  sad  are  these  we  daily  see, 
"It  is  but  it  hadn't  ought  to  be." 

Bret  Harte. 

[41] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


HARDSHIP  a  gent  lives  through;  but 
it's  a  tragedy  when  his  light's  put  out.     L\l  j) 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


ALL  th*  wurruld   loves  a  lover — excipt 
sometimes  th'  wan  that's  all  th'  wurruld 
to  him.  Mr.  Dooley. 

IT  is  not  what  Hubby  has,  but  what  he 
Hands  Out,  that  helps  one  to  Endure  him 
as  a  Necessary  Evil.  George  Ade. 

I  SAID  very  sharply,  "I  have  never  known 
the  taste  of  liquor  in  my  whole  life,  nor 
used  tobacco  in  any  form."  "Bless  my  soul ! 
Really?  Young  man,  don't  you  put  it  off 
another  day.    Life  is  awful  uncertain." 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 


I 


F  we  can't  make  money  honestly,  let's  us 
make  it  as  honestly  as  we  can. 

Bert  Lesion  Taylor. 


THERE  is  only  one  thing  in  this  world 
more  aggravating  than  a  woman  who 
gets  noisy  when  she's  mad,  and  that  is  one 
that  gets  quiet.      George  Horace  Lorimer. 

[42] 


l^ 


OF  NATIONS 

EVERY  mother's  son  of  them  talks  like 
he'd  been  struck  in  the  grammar  by  a 
ferryboat.  Hugh  McHugh. 

THERE'S  no  fool  like  a  young  fool,  be- 
cause in  the  nature  of  things  he  has  a 
long  time  to  live. 

George  Horace  Larimer. 

"'pHE  trouble  with  you,  Orville,"  said 
*  the  frugal  relative,  "is  that  you  always 
live  up  to  your  income."  "No,  it  isn't," 
fiercely  responded  young  Ardup.  "All  that 
ails  me  is  that  I  can't  live  down  to  it." 

C.  W.  Taylor. 

IF  I  ever  have  a  son,  I'll  begin  storing  up 
veal  on  the  day  he's  born — I'll  need  it  if 
he  takes  after  papa.  Checkers. 

THERE'S  an  old  maid  at  home  who  never 
knows  whether  she  had  better  cross  in 
front  of  a  street-car  or  wait;  I  named  the 
hen  after  her.  Owen  Wister. 

THAT  man  makes  me  think  I  need  qui- 
nine every  time  I  get  anywhere  near 
him.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

[43] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


THE  other  night   she   sang   "A   Sailor's 
Life's  the  Life  for  Me"  so  realistically 
that  Johnny  Black  got  seasick. 

Billy  Baxter. 

ONE  should  ever  strive  to  tell  the  truth, 
even  at  some  personal  inconvenience, 
especially  when  one  is  likely  to  be  found  out 
anyway.  Simeon  Ford. 

**  T4'Y^  think  a  Dimmycrat  ought  to  take 
"  office  undher  a  Republican  adminis- 
thration?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy.  "If  he 
wants  office,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

Finley  Peter  Dunne. 

NOTHING  is  more  conducive  to  travel 
than  free  passes.  Simeon  Ford. 

SHE  came  up  like  a  human  yeast  cake. 
Billy  Baxter. 


0 
H 


NE  toot  on  the  tooter  makes  the  whole 
world  skin.  5".  E.  Kiser. 

IS  pronunciation  had  whiskers  on  it  till 
you  could  hardly  tell  the  features. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

[44] 


D 


OF  NATIONS 


OWN  through  the  snow  drifts  in  the 
street 
With  blustering  joy  he  steers; 
His  rubber  boots  are  full  of  feet 
And  his  tippet  full  of  ears. 

Eugene  Field. 

OBJECTIONABLE  Tenant:  You  want 
me  to  move  out  of  your  building?  On 
what  ground,  may  I  ask?  Irate  Landlord: 
Any  ground  you  darn  please,  so  as  you  get 
off  mine.  C.  W.  Taylor. 

TO  get  a  fair  Trial  of  Speed,  use  a  Pace- 
Maker.  George  Ade. 


MY  theory  about  the  mosquito  is  that  he 
has  humanity  stung — going  and  com- 
ing. John  Henry. 

THAT  curiosity  which  the  devil  contrives 
to  kindle  in  God's  most  angelic  women. 
Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

WHEN  you  size  it  up,  you  see  that  you 
can   give   yourself  better   advice   than 
any  one  else  can — but  you  won't  do  it. 

Wilbur  D.  Neshit. 


[45] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


E'S  plumb  off  his  mental  reservation,  an' 
crazy  as  a  woman's  watch.  ^IJ  Jj 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


THERE  are  some  minds  that  are  so  small 
it  would  certainly  ruin  the  eyes  to  read 
them.  John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


ICKS,  jiggers,  and  gnats,  all  doing  a  nice 
conservative  business  at  once. 

Billy  Baxter. 


M 


ANNY  a  man  dodgin*  a  throlley  car  has 
been  run  over  be  an  autymobile. 

Mr.  Dooley. 


MY  mother  said,  "Ah,  my  boy,  I  am 
afraid  you  will  want  those  good  bread 
crusts  one  of  these  days."  I  said  so  was  I; 
that  was  why  I  didn't  eat  them  at  the  time, 
because  if  I  did,  then  when  I  wanted  them 
they  would  be  gone.      Robert  J.  Burdette. 

"lArHAT  might  it  be  that  you've  got  in 
"  the  box?"  And  Smiley  says,  sorter 
indifferent  like,  "It  might  be  a  parrot,  or  it 
might  be  a  canary,  maybe,  but  it  ain't — it's 
just  a  frog."  Mark  Twain. 

[46] 


(>. 


OF  NATIONS 

A  TALENT  is  equal  to  about  $1,000. 
wish  I  had  been  born  more  talented. 

Bill  Nye. 


G 


REATNESS  may  bring  store  cloze,  but 
it  doan'  alius  bring  happiness. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


AND  he  smiled  a  kind  of  sickly  smile,  and 
curled  up  on  the  floor. 
And  the  subsequent  proceedings  interested 
him  no  more.  Bret  Harte. 


0 


UT  of  the  house  like  drops  squirted  from 
a  lemon  came  a  man  and  his  wife. 

Owen  Wister. 


HE  had  decided  to  write  for  Posterity. 
Posterity  hadn't  heard  anything  about 
it,  and  couldn't  get  out  an  Injunction. 

George  Ade. 


D 


YE  think  a  candydate  ought  to  lay 
quiet  or  keep  in  th'  public  eye?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy.  "I  don't  know,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley,  "I'll  only  say  this,  if  I  wanted 
to  be  prisident  I  wud  thry  not  to  be  a  cinder 
in  th'  public  eye."        Finley  Peter  Dunne. 

[47] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

DE  man  what  'spects  to  get  long  an*  hev 
sunthin  to  eat  an'  a  place  to  live,  hez  to 
bounce  aroun'  an'  let  de  worl'  understand 
dat  he's  on  de  git.  C.  B.  Lewis. 

TWO  or  tree  dutzend  Angular-Saxon  peo- 
ples of  all  sorts  und  gonditions  were 
engaged  in  destroying  tea  mit  toast,  ecks 
mit  paeon,  or  cafe.  Hans  Breitmann. 

THEY  have  summer  to  burn  in  Hades. 
John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

THE  actress  is  old  enough  for  heroic  parts 
— an  obelisk  or  something  of  that  char- 
acter. Eugene  Field. 

THERE  were  four  or  five  of  us  who  got 
our  heads  together  and  decided  that  the 
war  was  inevitable,  and  consented  to  let  it 
come.    Then  it  came.  Bill  Nye. 

I  THINK  the  idea  of  changing  a  green 
hillock  into  a  treatise  on  indigestion, 
and  making  all  the  pretty  trees  along  the 
roadside  point  their  branches  in  the  direc- 
tion of  a  drugstore,  is  wrong. 

Hugh  McHugh. 

[48] 


L 


OF  NATIONS 

KNOW  something  about  markets  and  the 
way  of  the  dollar,  but  all  I  know  about 
women  is  that  they  are  good  to  have. 
^  Harry  Leon  Wilson. 


I 


SUMMER  is  the  time  o'  year  when  the 
farmer  gets  square  with  the  city  for  the 
gold  brick.  Bert  Lesion  Taylor. 


I 


T  does  some  folks  a  heap  of  good  to  kill 
'em  a  lot.  Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 


TEACHER:  What  animal  may  be  con- 
sidered the  most  warlike?  Tommy 
(who  hasn't  looked  at  his  lesson) :  The 
armydillo,  ma'am.  C.  W.  Taylor. 

THE  only  animal  which  the  Bible  calls 
patient  is  an  ass,  and  that's  both  good 
doctrine  and  good  natural  history. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 


H 


E  wouldn't  smile  unless  it  was  at  an- 
other man's  expense.  Checkers. 


A  LADY  that  made  your  heart  jump  up 
and  hit  you  on  the  tonsils  every  time 
she  looked  you  in  the  eyes.      5".  E.  Kiser. 

[49] 


H 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

IS  face  expressed  nothing  at  all,  very 
forcible.  Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 


I  HAVE  heard  knockers  in  my  time,  but 
she  is  the  original  leader  of  the  anvil 
chorus.  Billy  Baxter. 

WE  don't  mind  being  tied  to  a  woman's 
apron  strings,  but  we'd  hate  like  thun- 
der to  be  hitched  to  her  suspenders. 

Simeon  Ford. 

I'D  be  as  happy  there  as  I  am  here,  knowin' 
there  ain't  annything  in  th'  wurruld  I  can 
do  an'  thin  thryin'  to  do  it.      Mr.  Dooley. 


I 

D 


NEVER   believe   in   breaking   a  lady's 
heart  just  for  practice.       5.  E.  Kiser. 

E  man  who  w'ars  his  hat  on  his  ear, 
shows  de  empty  side  of  his  head. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


THAT'S  the  way  with  women.  They  can't 
have  joy  in  their  cup  without  spillin'  it 
on  themselves.  Make  them  happy,  and  they 
will  be  sorry  thinkin'  how  sad  they'll  be  some 
other  time.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

[SO] 


OF  NATIONS 

IN  an  argument  with  one's  self  the  other 
side  is  usually  silenced.  Checkers. 

A  COWARD  '11  always  go  to  shooting  be- 
fore it's  necessary,  and  there  is  no  se- 
curity who  he'll  hit.  Owen  Wister. 


NEVER  insult  an  acquaintance  with  harsh 
words  when  applied  to  for  a  favor.  It 
is  just  as  easy  and  ever  so  much  pleasanter 
to  lie  to  him,  and  tell  him  you  haven't  got 
it.  He  may  know  you  are  a  liar,  but  he  can't 
deny  that  you  are  a  gentleman. 

Robert  J.  Burdette. 


I 


N  uplifting,  get  underneath. 


George  Ade. 


FAT,  juicy  mince  pies  that  would  assay  at 
least  eight  hundred  dollars  a  ton  in 
raisins  alone,  say  nothing  of  the  baser 
metals.  Harry  Leon  Wilson. 


I'VE  seen  manny  a  widow  consoled  f'r  th' 
day  be  th'  length  iv  the  fun'ral  proces- 
sion, an'  manny  a  man  be  thinkin'  how 
sthrong  an'  self-possessed  he  looked  in  his 
bereavement.  Mr.  Dooley. 

[51] 


SOME  people  know  when  they  have  had 
enough,  but  when  the  General  has  had 
enough  he  doesn't  know  anything. 

Billy  Baxter. 

[52] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 


THERE  are  as  big  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever 
were  caught,  because  the  big  fish  always 
get  away.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit.         \V 

IT  is  queer  how  big  a  family  a  lonely  man 
finds   he   has   when  his   star   begins   to 
twinkle.  John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

DYSPEPSIA  never  kills,  they  say;  yes, 
that's  the  sneaking  villainy  of  the 
malady,  it  thwarts  every  high  purpose  and 
every  ambition,  and  compels  its  prey  to 
dodder  and  mope  through  life  in  a  condition 
of  perennial  consciousness  of  his  weakness 
and  his  helplessness.  Eugene  Field. 

ONE  of  those  eateries  where  the  waiters 
look    wise    because    they    can't    speak 
English.  John  Henry. 

POVERTY  talks,  too,  but  nobody  wants 
to  hear  what  it  has  to  say. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 


/ 


OF  NATIONS 


GOOD  clothes  is  never  agin  a  man  eny, 
an'  yer  kin  say  all  yer  wants  'bout 
clothes  not  makin'  de  man,  but  I  knows 
what  rags  does  ter  a  bulldorg. 

/.  K.  Friedman. 

THE  right  to  maul  your  immediate  de- 
scendants is  guaranteed  by  the  consti- 
tootion,  an'  is  one  of  them  things  we-alls 
fights  for  at  Bunker  Hill. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

**QOME  men,"  said  Uncle  Allen  Sparks, 
O  "are  always  making  spiteful  remarks 
about  any  man  who  succeeds.  They  seem  to 
think  the  door  of  success  will  open  to  them 
if  they  do  enough  knocking." 

C.  W.  Taylor. 

DON'T  ever  lend  your  trouble, 
'T  will  make  it  worse,  alack ! 
When  people  borrow  trouble 
They  always  pay  it  back. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

SOME  of  the  most  beautiful  plants  in  the 
world's  flora  are  parasites.    Why  should 
one  root  for  a  living? 

Bert  Leston  Taylor. 

[53] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


HE  was  the  kind  to  whip-saw  you  out  of  a 
hundred  and  then  lend  you  five  hun- 
dred, even  if  he  had  to  rip  the  pelt  off  some- 
body else  to  get  it. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 

A   PUBLIC  back-down  is  an  unfinished 
thing.  Owen  Wister. 

HAD  Demosthenes  lived  until  this  spring, 
he  would  have  been  2,270  years  old;  but 
he  did  not  live.  Bill  Nye. 

I  LIKE  a  man  who  has  bin  foolish  'nuff  to 
git  drunk,  an'  strong  'nuff  to  kick  de 
temptashun  ober  a  seven-rail  fence.  Den 
you  knows  whar  to  fin'  him.  He's  bin  dar 
and  knows  what  a  fool  he  was. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


I 


WROTE  him  a  letter  that  would  have 
brought  tears  to  a  pair  of  glass  eyes. 

Checkers. 


THEY  entertains  too  high  a  regyard  for 
each  other  to  take  to  pawin'  about  pug- 
nacious, verbal  or  otherwise. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

[54] 


N 


OF  NATIONS 


ERO  had  th'  habits  iv  a  bachelor,  which 
he  was  fr'm  time  to  time. 

Mr.  Dooley. 

>OME  people  are  good  because  it  comes 
'  high  to  be  otherwise.        George  Ade. 


DERE  was  yet  nefer  porn  on  dis  eart'  a 
humane  bein' — und  most  of  all  a  Deut- 
scher  immortal — who  while  learnin'  a  lan- 
guage tid  not  somedimes  bronounce  or  out- 
speak in  two  or  dree  tifferent  ways  de  same 
ding.  Hans  Breitmann. 

SO  far  as  I  can  size  him  up  the  Good  Fel- 
low puts  in  twelve  hours  a  day  trying 
to  stab  himself  to  death  with  gin  rickeys, 
and  the  other  twelve  are  devoted  to  yelling 
for  help  and  ice  water. 

John  Henry. 

HAVIN'  two  women  in  love  with  you  at 
once,  and  each  thinkin'  life  will  be  a 
dreary  waste  for  you  if  she  don't  consent,  is 
worse  than  tryin'  to  ride  a  bicycle  and  lead 
a  cow.  S.  E.  Kiser. 

[55] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


THERE  wasn't  a  thing  served  that  any-      ,,,^ 
one  could  pronounce.  ji\\  )) 

Billy  Baxter.        k 

FAME  is  a  bubble,  and  he  who  chases  it 
loses  more  breath  than  he  who  blows  it. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 

OH,  when  you  come  to  crown  my  brow, 
Bring  me  no  bay  or  sorrel ; 
Give  me  no  parsley  wreath,  but  just 
The  legal  long  green  laurel. 

John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


**¥¥OW  are  you  going  to  feed  all  these 
m\  animals?"  asked  the  sneering  and  in- 
credulous visitor,  shortly  before  it  began  to 
rain.  "They  won't  need  any  feed,"  replied 
Noah.    "They'll  be  sea-sick." 

C.  W.  Taylor. 


DEY  has  made  deir  names  so  familiar  in 
de  newspapers  an'  de  jails  dat  dey  is 
famous  widout  wantin'  ter  be,  which  is  hard 
when  yer  thinks  ef  de  number  ef  peepul  in 
dis  world  what  is  dyin'  fer  fame  an'  can't 
git  it.  /.  K.  Friedman 

[56] 


or  NATIONS 


/7  II  ^     it    PESSIMIST   is   a  man  who   believes 

\\  uA   a\    that  there  is  deceit  in  the  wagging  of  a 

jn    dog's  tail.  Wilbur  D.  Nesbit 


NOTHING  comes  without  calling  in  this 
world,  and  after  you  have  called  you've 
generally  got  to  go  and  fetch  it  yourself. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 


I 


T'S  a  compliment  when  a  widder  shines 
up  to  a  man.    She's  no  amateur. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 


HE  is  not  handsome  in  the  vulgar  sense, 
but  a  manly  figure,  bold  and  uncom- 
promising, like  those  ye  see  in  front  iv  a 
ready-made  clothin'  store.        Mr.  Dooley. 

THE  average  woman  would  rather  take  a 
beating  any  time  than  receive  a  tele- 
gram; it  scares  her  worse  than  a  mouse  or 
a  Chinaman  on  an  opium  drunk. 

Eugene  Field. 

A  GOOD  many  people  have  an  idea  that 
they  will  get  to  tell  on  their  neighbors 
on  the  day  of  judgment. 

Wilbur  D.  Nesbit. 


[57] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


ADISP'SITION  to  make  new  rules  for 
sech  games  of  chance  as  enjoys  his 
notice  is  perhaps  his  greatest  failin'.  His 
givin'  way  to  this  habit  is  primar'ly  the  cause 
of  his  bein*  garnered  in. 

Alfred  Henry  Lewis. 

PEOPLE  have  seen  four  and  four  make 
eight,  and  the  young  man  and  the  small 
bottle  make  a  fool  so  often  that  they  are 
hard  to  convince  that  the  combination  can 
work  out  any  other  way. 

George  Horace  Lorimer. 

SHE'S  a  good-looker;  the  kind  of  good 
looks  I'd  sooner  see  in  another  man's 
wife  than  mine.  Owen  Wister. 

EVIDENTLY  we  live  in  an  age  of  infor- 
mation. You  can  get  more  information 
nowadays,  such  as  it  is,  than  you  know 
what  to  do  with.  Bill  Nye. 

MERCHANT:  Yes,  I  sold  you  that  keg 
of  white  lead.  What's  the  matter  with 
it?  Customer:  Well,  it  isn't  white,  and  it 
isn't  lead ;  otherwise  it's  all  right. 

C.  W.  Taylor. 

[58] 


OF  NATIONS 

WHAR  dar  am  no  lawyers  dar  am  no  liti- 
gashun  an'  but  few  crimes. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 


ALWAYS  advise  a  Friend  to  do  that 
which  you  are  sure  he  is  not  going  to 
do.  Then  if  his  Venture  fails  you  will  re- 
ceive credit  for  having  warned  him.  If  it 
succeeds,  he  will  be  happy  in  the  Oppor- 
tunity to  tell  you  that  you  were  Dead 
Wrong.  George  Ade. 


THRUST  ivrybody— but  cut  th'  ca-ards. 
Mr.  Dooley. 


BULLDOG,    searching   his    soul    for 
sounds  to  tell  how  scart  he  was. 

Henry  Wallace  Phillips. 


B 


UTLERS  are  like  poets, 
be  born  that  way. 


They  have  to 

S.  E.  Kiser. 


IN  some  cornerland  vhere  Touristic  or 
English  influences  hafe  not  benetrated, 
und  beople  ist  not  as  yed  cultured  into  in- 
civilidy,  or  cifilized  into  boorishness. 

Hans  Breitmann. 


[59] 


rORTHE  GAIETY 

I'M  not  sure  that  I'd  want  to  be  an  am- 
bassadure  if  I  iver  had  to  come  home 
again.  Th'  life  is  gay  but  it  unfits  ye  for 
home  cookin'.  Mr.  Dooley. 

IN  this  world  of  human  failin's  there  ain't 
anything  ever  can  be  as  pure  and  blame- 
less and  satisfying  as  the  stuff  in  the  bake- 
shop  window  looks  like  it  is. 

Harry  Leon  Wilson. 

HOW  true  it  is  that  the  lion  on  the  fence 
is  always  bigger,  fiercer,  and  given  to 
more  majestic  attitudes  than  the  lion  in  the 
tent.  And  yet  it  costs  us,  as  often  as  the 
circus  comes  around,  fifty  cents  to  find  it 
out.  Robert  J.  Burdette. 

THANKING  you  severely  fur  your  in- 
fectious destraction,  I  'rambulate  to  my 
seat  wid  oderiferous  feelings  of  concentra- 
shun  towards  each  and  ebery  one  o'  you. 

C.  B.  Lewis. 

IF  de  reader  find  anyding  dot  tid  not  please 
him,  I  peg  him  to  remimper  dot  it  vas 
poot  in  to  prefent  das  Buch  from  peing  too 
goot.  Hans  Breitmann. 

[60] 


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